We all like to think we’re unique, but let’s be honest—humans are creatures of hilarious, embarrassing habits. Here’s a list of things we all do but pretend we don’t.
1. Hitting ‘Ignore’ on a Call and Then Texting, “Hey, what’s up?”
You see the call, you panic, and instead of answering, you wait a few minutes and text like you totally weren’t available. Let’s face it: you’re not always in the mood for lengthy conversations. Texting is concise and after an exchange of brief messages, you can go back to lounging on the couch and binging on your favorite shows.
2. Rehearsing a Conversation in Your Head Like You’re in a Drama Series
Before an important conversation (or, let’s be real, before ordering at a restaurant), you mentally script your lines like you’re the main character. Too bad the other person always improvises and you are left fumbling for words. Have you considered going to improv classes?
3. Watching Yourself Cry in the Mirror
You’re sad, but then curiosity takes over. “Do I look like a tragic movie character?” Answer: No. But that won’t stop you from checking. The benefit of doing this is that either you stop crying, or you learn to cry prettier.
4. Pretending Not to See Someone You Know in Public
You spot an acquaintance across the grocery store. Instead of saying hi, you suddenly become very interested in reading the ingredients on a cereal box—even though you don’t eat cereal. Then as soon as they turn away, you make a hasty escape and look for an aisle where they are unlikely to visit.
5. Checking the Fridge Repeatedly Like New Food Will Magically Appear
You open the fridge. Nothing interesting.
Five minutes later: Open it again. Still nothing.
Repeat until you give up and eat bread. Unless of course, you didn’t stock up on bread either. The apple rotting in the last shelf no longer looks less appealing. Might as well eat it before it rots completely.
6. Mentally Preparing Yourself to Leave the Couch for a Full 30 Minutes
You tell yourself, Alright, time to get up.
Ten minutes later: Okay, now I’m really getting up.
Fifteen minutes later: Just five more minutes…
But the cushion under your head is so comfortable and you just want to watch one more episode of your favorite show. Or take a really short five minute nap.
Twenty minutes later, you’re still on your couch.
7. Hitting “Remind Me Later” on Software Updates…Forever
There’s a new update. You hit “Remind Me Tomorrow.”
Tomorrow: “Remind Me Tomorrow.”
Next year: “Remind Me Tomorrow.”
Before you know it, a new, major release of the operating system has released and your current operating system is no longer getting updates, and now you have to change your laptop.
8. Rushing to Turn Off the Microwave Before It Beeps
It’s a game now. The food is done, but if you stop it at 0:01, you win. Against whom? Unknown. But victory is sweet.
Or maybe you just want to know if you can use the washroom and complete one errand in the one minute it takes to warm your food properly. Either way, you rush to the kitchen to claim victory over a microwave.
9. Overthinking a Text After Sending It
You send a simple text like, “Sounds good!”
Then you stare at it for the next 10 minutes, analyzing if it somehow came off as rude, sarcastic, or emotionally distant. The receiver hasn’t replied promptly. Clearly, they didn’t appreciate the tone you used in the text. You begin to write an entire paragraph explaining your text only for them to finally reply with a ‘K’.
10. Using Your Phone as a Fake Distraction in Awkward Situations
Waiting alone? Standing in a weird spot? You must take out your phone—even if you have nothing to do on it. Then again, there’s always that one note on your phone you wrote a couple of months ago that you meant to delete.
Or that weird, blurry photo of a bird you saw that one time that requires you to scrutinize it properly.
Anything is better than making eye contact with people who are watching you after you spilled food all over yourself. Or you made an embarrassing sound. Or waved at a stranger who was clearly not looking your way.
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